I know. I've been a very bad elk.
Travels of a small Elk and his stupid human companion
09.10.2008 - 17.10.2008
My stupid Human and I had a heart to heart talk yesterday. I told it what I felt about it's silly secrecy ploys, and how stupid it was not to trust me with such information, as it is supposed to. It sat there looking slightly contrite, I was pleased to see, and did eventually mumble apologies to me. Satisfied at least slightly, I decided to check upon the rest of the idiot humans on-board.
Luckily the crew had no qualms with my wandering onto the bridge at regular intervals to check that all was in order, and happily, it seemed to be.
Some of them even seemed vaguely competent (by Human standards of course), which was pleasing to note.
Even more impressive was that the idiots working on the bowels also seemed semi-clever and there were no problems in the engine room either
...and with that I settled down to enjoy the voyage and the sea air, and more importantly, ignore my S.H.
01.10.2008 - 08.10.2008
It has been a long time,my dear friends, for which I can only apologise. I could give you any number of excuses, though i'm sure all I really need to say is that it was the Stupid Human's fault. As you may recall, the last time I spoke, I had just spent an hour or so freeing my rear end off on an early morning ferry whilst I watched Europe melt into the darkness, whilst being told that I wouldn't see it again for some time.
After a brief meeting with my dear mother in London that same day, we headed back to the SH's family home, where I took stock of the situation. Clive, i says to myself, we need to prepare. there is no chance at all that *it* will, so you'll have to prepare for all eventualities yourself. I took stock of my emergency cash supplies, nothing with a rueful look that whilst I had a number of currencies, most were European, and thus unlikely to be much help to me in the near future. I got some food in, checked the first aid kit, and was almost comfortable with my preparations when I overheard the SH canceling his mobile phone contract, as he was going somewhere with "no coverage", and I am ashamed to admit that I almost started to panic. What on Earth was the SH, getting himself, and, more importantly, me, in for?
And so, the day of reckoning arrived. We got on the train, and I settled back for the journey, still not knowing where on Earth we were going.So it was with some surprise that barely an hour later, we got off in,seemingly, the middle of nowhere. The SH looked pleased with himself. I looked bemused. "Who on Earth” i asked "what want to come to Castle Cary to live?"
"Don't worry, Clive" it said. We won't be here long. "Lucky escape, there then" I thought. Sure enough, a short while later and we were on another train, a rickety old thing creaking through the country for some time, until eventually I caught a glimpse of the sea and remembered his comments about the ships.
But then, i thought, "Weymouth?!. All that fuss and we are only going to the Channel Isles?". I even started to say a much, in a condescending tone of voice as well, but it just smiled at me in that superior way that Humans seem to have. A taxi ride later and I started to understand:
Portland? Oh. That can mean but one thing, I finally realised. And though it said nothing, I knew that as soon a we were on board the ship, I could find out quite easily. Which I did.
"RMS St. Helena" said the ships name, and i finally understood his comments about sea-sickness. Comprehension came flooding over me and this journey might take us some time. I didn't understand why it had decided to keep me in the dark, and after telling him so, I wandered off. in a bit of a huff, even, I might add. And just watched as Humans probably nowhere near as stupid a my one (why did it have to be ME that ended up with the awkward one?) finished loading the ship, and also checked out the escape equipment. After all, one can never be too careful
Soon, it was even getting dark, and finally, whilst the SH stuffed his face (and did it ask if I required nourishment? Don't be silly) and all I could do was watch England slowly disappear into the night.
This poor Elk is already missing his snow and Lingonberries.
30.09.2008 - 04.09.2008
Just as I had settled down to try and recover from the first trip, let alone the second, it only goes and drops the bombshell. Slyly, into the conversation one day, it says "So, Clive, how would you feel about leaving Sweden for a while?". Being a good Swedish Elk, I looked at him somewhat worriedly and was just starting to answer that perhaps I would prefer not to, when it says "because we are leaving in 4 days and might never come back, so perhaps you should get your affairs in order".
I was aghast.
Or, I would have been aghast if i knew what that really mean't.
"Leaving Scandinavia" I cried! "But why?" To which it averted my gaze and mumbled something about prisons that he wouldn't repeat. "But where will we go?" I asked, trying a different tack. "Nowhere much", it muttered, "but as i mentioned before, we'll soon be checking out whether you are sea-sick". And with that it stalked off, though i could have sworn i heard "stupid elk" under it's breath.
Leaving Sweden???? Oh dear.
And so i spent 4 days wandering around the town i currently call home, visiting the sights...
...before it forced me to help empty it's appartment. I craftily tried to convince it that if we stayed, none of this hard work would be neccessary, but it ignored me.
Then it was the lowest of the lows. That last morning, whilst *it* went and did who knows what, I had to help some of his poor colleagues, though admittedly they all seemed very happy that he was, to quote "b*ggering off for a long time".
As we sat on the train waiting to depart, it said to me "...do you know, Clive, that i started work with these Swedes six years ago tomorrow? I came for 6months, and 6years later am finally leaving...". He was gazing out of the window in a slightly somber mood, punctuated only by a little cheer of delight when we passed a place called 'Hässleholm' for reasons he refused to disclose to me. A couple of hours later, and we are in Copenhagen. This isn't so bad, I thought, I've always liked the Danes and their more friendly, alcohol tolerant way of life. Until the stupid human told me that we were about to leave Scandinavia for good. Leaving Scandinavia???? I must admit that it hadn't occurred to me. I assumed we might end up in Jutland, or on a Norwegian fjord, but not leaving Scandinavia. A deep feeling of foreboding then overcame me.
Happily, the next morning we were in Paris, and I was starting to feel a little out of the woods. There are surely worse places for a Scandinavian Elk to live than Paris?
But then we met some people, and it said it's farewells, and the feeling started to come back. Why would it be saying its farewells if we were staying here. We even then went to Charles de Gaulle airport, which stunned me for a minute. My stupid human is many things - stupid, and human chiefly amongst them - but it never flies anywhere. So why are we in one of Europe's biggest airports? It's definitely a strange one, this one. But we then returned and did a bit more sightseeing...
... including the noisy and apparently triumphant return of the bubblegum bangers to the Arch of Triumphant, or whatever the stupid human calls it in some foreign language i don't know.
I was almost starting to enjoy it, until, then, we suddenly emerged at Paris Gallieni and my S.H. was refusing to talk to me anymore. We sat in silence for a while on a bus, and then went through customs and passport control and customs again (i tried to shop it to the police, but they weren't interested in it. Only everybody else). It was only then, sat on the top of a ferry at 4am in foul weather, looking back towards Calais, that in a somber voice it said to me...
"...take a long look at Europe Clive, for we won't be seeing it again for some time."
I almost had heart attacks in both my hearts. Leaving Europe, I thought to myself. But where on earth are we going.....?
To which, almost as if it were reading my mind, it half said and half murmoured "...get used to boats quickly, Clive, for the next one will be slightly longer than this, and i don't mean in terms of feet and inches".
And, dear friends, I still don't know where we are going
17.09.2008 - 24.09.2008
Well, wouldn't you just know it. Less than a week after we had come home from the last trip, the stupid human packs his stuff and asks if i'm coming. "Coming Where?" says I, not unreasonably. "Europe", says it. "I have some things to do and people to see". To be honest, I was quite happy sitting at home catching up with some friends, but as my mother insisted I follow it everywhere to keep it out of trouble, I sighed, picked up my haversack and off we set again.
It was also muttering about boats, and that i might need to get used to boats. Boats? Me? Why? I'm an Elk for cripes sake. What use do I have for boats?? But in preparation, or some such, we headed to the continent via the Rødby - Puttgarden ferry, and luckily, I don't seem to get seasick.
By the following afternoon, we were passing through Budapest. Do I get time to see most of these places it goes to? Of course not. Barely minutes later and we were off to Cluj in Romania, where, most unsportingly, it enjoyed itself immensely for the weekend with a bevvy of Romanian beauties, leaving me to fend for myself. Did it ask if i wanted to spend time with some Romanian beauties? Of course not. It never thinks of *MY* needs, does it? I can see that Cousin Clive was most correct. This one will take some serious effort to look after.
By the time I was allowed to see a bit of Romania, we were in Timisoara, surrounded by dodgy looking folk and it was the ungodly hour of 5am on a Monday morning. THEN, oh yes, all of a sudden it wants me around., But not when there is fun to be had, oh no. Dratted Stupid Human.
We did at least spend a night in Ljubljana with some of its old friends, and he treated me to a quick tour of the city, before we shot through Austria and then even went through Munich at Oktoberfest time...
...without being allowed to drink. Honestly, you would have thought this Stupid Human didn't enjoy traveling with an alcoholic Elk.